Classical Music's Impact on Children: Results May Vary
The Mozart Effect: Makes a child smarter and more mathematical along with a higher IQ
The Haydn Effect: Child is witty and quick on his feet, quite often bringing a grin to the faces of those around him. Despite this he exhibits remarkable humility.
The Bach Effect: Child memorizes Scripture and says his prayers every day; may overwhelm listeners with his speech.
The Handel Effect: Much like the Bach Effect; in addition, the child may exhibit dramatic behavior.
The Beethoven Effect: Child develops a superiority complex and is prone to violent tantrums; is a perfectionist.
The Liszt Effect: Child speaks rapidly and extravagantly, but never really says anything important
The Bruckner Effect: Child speaks very slowly and repeats himself frequently. Gains a reputation for profundity.
The Grieg Effect: This child is quirky yet cheery. May be prone toward Norwegian folklore.
The Wagner Effect: Child becomes a megalomaniac. Speaks for six hours at a stretch.
The Schoenberg Effect: Child never repeats a word until he has used all the other words in his vocabulary. Sometimes talk backwards or upside-down. Eventually people stop listening to him. Child blames them for their inability to understand him.
The Ives Effect: Child develops a remarkable ability to carry on several separate conversations at once.
The Stravinsky Effect: Child is prone to savage, guttural and profane outbursts that lead to fighting and pandemonium in preschool.
The Shostakovich Effect: Child only expresses themselves in parent-approved ways.
The Cage Effect: Child says exactly nothing for 4 minutes and 33 seconds. Preferred by 9 out of 10 classroom teachers.
The Glass Effect: Child repeats one word over, and over, and over, and over....